I'm good at being vulnerable. I can control how much I share with you, how much I let you in. Sometimes I take pride in this ability to be vulnerable and share with you what no one else would dare to share. (This is not a good thing, by the way).
But to admit to you that I am broken -- that is something different. I can't control my brokenness. To expose brokenness is to be raw and true. No walls, no curtains, no control over the extremity of my brokenness. I just am.
(For more on brokenness vs. vulnerability, you should read this blog by Beggar's Daughter: http://purityafterpornography.wordpress.com/2011/10/11/brokenness-vs-vulnerability/)
I like to be in control. And when I am not, I am afraid. There are things inside of me that I cannot touch, things that I can only lay bare before God and ask Him to fix it, because I can't on my own.
There is this desire to look at pornography, to fill myself up in a way that I can control, in a way I know will comfort me, if only for a few minutes. Even if I know it will leave me even more broken the second it is gone.
Normally when I open the door to pornography and then decide to close it, it is because I can no longer find what I am looking for. I am not satisfied, but I have had my "fill" nonetheless, and it is time to move on.
Brokenness: This morning, I opened the door again. The morning after Jim Rinella spoke at NavNite about spiritual warfare and how we shouldn't open doors that should never be opened, or close doors we shouldn't have opened. Yet I opened the door, trying to justify the sin as I engaged in it.
After ten minutes or so, I closed the door. The difference with the closing of this door, however, was that I hadn't had my "fill" yet. There were more places to explore, doors that opened, one after the other. And I could have gone on for hours like I always had before. I will admit, the main reason I closed the door so quickly was because I had friends coming over in just fifteen minutes and I needed to get ready. But then I received a text from them saying they would be half an hour late. I looked back at my computer and thought, "I could just continue then."
But I heard God whisper to me:
"If you open that door, it will lead to another door, and then another. There will always be a world of pornography for you to explore, always a mixture of different keyword searches you could enter that will turn up new and exciting results, always 'related videos' that will lead you further into this world of sin. It's never going to be enough for you.
"Be convinced of this, Karla -- that desire is not going to leave you for a long time. Maybe it never will while you are still in this world. You might think you've figured it out and gotten rid of it, but you're only thinking you've simply had your 'fill' for the time being, and you anticipate that you will have to satisfy the desire again later down the road. In this case, the time being was your four months of 'freedom.' This week, it was six days.
"Child, at some point, you're just going to have to decide to put away with it and fight that desire, whether you have had your fill or not. At some point, you're going to have to acknowledge you have absolutely no control over this and surrender it to Me. Stop trying to fix yourself, and let Me do it.
"But let me tell you something: you're going to have to stop opening doors. You may not have control over what you desire right now, but you have control over what you do with those desires. I have promised you I will always provide a way out when you are tempted. Take the way out. Close the door. Let's do this together, by My strength.
"When I look at you, Karla, I don't see your sin. I see a pure and blameless child. You are free from accusation, and you are covered by My grace. But I can see the life that you are living, and it is a life under the bondage of pornography. It may not be as frequent as before, but that is only because you are suppressing it and refusing to get to the core of the issue.
"You are still allowing your desire for control, your desire for love, your desire for sexual pleasure to consume you, and though you are free from the eternal consequences of your sin, you are not free from its effects on your heart, on your soul, on your mind, on your relationships, on your view of yourself before Me, and on your view of Me.
"I want freedom for you. I gave Jesus for you so you could not only be free of sin's eternal consequences in separating you from Me, but to be free of sin itself because it is not of Me, and I am good. I made you for Me.
"So make the decision today to fight your sinful nature -- specifically your desire for pornography -- and walk by My Spirit instead. And I promise I will be with you. Because you love Me, I will fight for you. Take heart, my child, I have overcome the world."
Some paraphrases from 1 Corinthians 10:13, Psalm 91:14, and John 16:33.
