I'm going to peel back another layer of me: I seek approval of my 16-year-old brother.
Does that sound stupid? It does to me, but it doesn't make it any less true. We used to be close as kids, although I suppose most siblings are at that age. But now he doesn't want to spend time with me, talk to me, tell me what's going on in his life, or hear what's going on in my life. And I, hating conflict, am not okay with that. I asked him out on a "date" tonight; I would treat him to any restaurant he wanted -- to catch up, to spend time together. It's not an unusual thing, because we used to go out on "dates" my senior year of high school and when I would come home from college freshmen and sophomore year. But he didn't want to, even when I offered his favorite restaurant.
Things change, I know. When we were younger, we would make fun of each other all the time, explaining to my parents that it was okay because it was just the normal sibling rivalry. But now I've seen how it does hurt, and now I've outgrown it, but he still hasn't because he's four years younger. Also, he's going through new things in his life, and I really am blessed I have a brother who even makes small talk with me when we're among the rest of the family, a brother who will poke me in the sides really hard until it throbs and won't stop when I ask him to -- but at least it's attention, right? Could be his love language of sorts...
See how silly that all sounds? Who cares what my little brother thinks. For some reason, I do. This past Thanksgiving Break, my brother called me fat in not so nice words. I wouldn't normally take it so personally except that I was already feeling bad about myself, and he was relentless about it, refusing to apologize even when I began crying. That night was when I realized how much power my brother had over my feelings, over my security, over my self-esteem, over my heart. And I was giving Satan a foothold, allowing him to crowd my mind with lies: "Your brother would love you if you weren't so ugly, if you weren't so fat, if you weren't so boring, if you weren't so stupid." My counselor (rather, the woman I am meeting with at the Navigators PRT) told me to read these chapters on "Healing Mother Wounds" and "Healing Father Wounds." Can I get a "Healing Brother Wounds" chapter too?
Another thing is, I can see how this affects my friendships with men. And with my brother being one of the few men (boys) in my life, his approval and love means a lot to me. And this need/desire in me and the emotions that come with the lack of it being filled always overwhelms the fact that my brother has a life of his own and his own stuff he's going through that may have nothing to do with me.
When some relationship goes sour or has some kind of kink in it, I always assume it's my fault. There's something I'm doing wrong, something I'm not getting. And I feel restless about it because I feel there's always something I can do to make it better.
I don't know if that's the case with my brother, other than working on loving him better through my actions and the things I say. But I know I can't push for a closer relationship if that's not where he's at right now (even if, in my mind, I'm always doubting whether I just poorly worded my question to hang out with him or didn't come from the appropriate angle or choose the most effective approach, etc.).
So all that is to say: have a thick skin, but a soft heart. Don't give Satan a foothold. You're not fat. You're not ugly. You're not boring. You're not stupid. Be secure in Christ, not in the love you want from your brother. Keep things in perspective, and remember not everything has everything to do with you and what you could be doing wrong. And sometimes you're not doing anything wrong. Learn to be okay with leaving things alone, and letting people grow for a while, including yourself. God is sovereign and cares more about these relationship than you do, so stop worrying. Stop trying to control everything and everyone.
This is the advice I am giving myself tonight.
