It's scary what your heart can convince you of. Right now I am at a place where I am terrified of my heart, and all I want to do is reach into my chest, pull it out and spank it. That puts a ridiculous image in my mind.
This is obviously public, so I'm not going to go into detail or name anyone, etc., but I want to write about it because I think it can make for a decent lesson. After about a year, I finally sought closure yesterday to the feelings I've had for this one guy. It was the first time I had ever confronted someone and poured out my heart like that, but I felt like it needed to be done. And this is why:
I knew we weren't right for each other. Almost the whole year that I liked him, I knew it. God never gave me any reason to believe it was right, and whenever I entertained the thought of him and me together, I didn't feel at peace about it. This guy never lead me on, he was just a good friend to me. But I foolishly chased him, something I also knew was not right. I felt like a fool, like I was in third grade all over again. I convinced myself he had feelings for me, even though there were moments where it was blatantly obvious he did not.
One event after another showed me he did not return my feelings. But in between those moments, there were smaller moments that made me think, "Just maybe..." My heart kept pulling me in, and I kept falling for its games.
Though I would verbally surrender it to God, and in my heart at times too, I kept taking it back and justifying my actions. "I'm not doing anything wrong; I'm just trying to be a good friend."
A mutual friend of mine and his would tell me there's nothing there, that I need to move on. But I kept thinking, "Well, maybe he's not telling his friend everything..."
Some things happened this past weekend that led me to a place where my mind and heart were wrestling. My mind got the picture; it understood it needed to move on. But my heart was not getting it, and I didn't know how to make it stop feeling what it was feeling. How do you tell your heart to stop hoping? How do you make your heart say no, make it feel what you know?
Monday morning I decided I was fed up with hearing it through my friend and through my own observations -- I wanted to know from the guy himself so my heart could no longer make excuses or play games with me.
The conversation went well. He was very gracious, and he responded the way I had hoped he would: he doesn't return the feelings, and I can move on. Details don't matter. What matters is now I have this mess of a heart to figure out.
Looking back over the past year, it's scary to think of all the time I wasted chasing someone I knew I shouldn't be chasing, chasing in the first place. God is gracious, and He used some of those experiences for good and in the building of my own character in some aspects. So I know I can't dwell in regret.
But when I think of how far I can go, how far my heart can take me, it honestly scares me. The movies tell us to "Follow your heart," but please do anything but! Your heart can lead you down some dangerous roads; don't follow it.
So in retrospect, if you were my little sister, or my friend really (which I expect you are since you are reading this), I would tell you the following points I have learned and either started seeing the fruits of or want to start working on, in regards to taming the heart. I can't think well enough to gather my thoughts and organize them in some fashionable way, but here are a few points that come to mind:
1. If your feelings for someone are not right, redirect your thoughts. Whenever you start thinking of him, thinking ahead about dating, marriage, all the "What if..."'s, etc., don't just scold yourself for doing so; redirect it and thank God instead for the man He is preparing for you, and ask Him to give you patience. I would recommend reading "Changing Your Thought Patterns" by George Sanchez, which can be found in a little NavClassics book.
2. Emotionally save yourself for your future husband. Growing up, I was a purity geek (well, in theory -- obviously, my porn addiction made me anything but pure). I read all the purity books, made all the vows, set all the dating rules, physical boundaries, made lists of the qualities I wanted in my future husband, etc. And one of the things I knew I wanted to do was not only physically save myself for marriage, but also emotionally save myself (and obviously, I have failed in this area). That may sound overly prudent, but it will save you a lot of heartache in the end. This basically means not entertaining the thoughts mentioned in point 1, as well as the following:
- Don't frequently gush about the guy you like. This is going to be a hard habit for me to break. But it only encourages your thoughts and emotions. I know "gushing" is one of the favorite pasttimes of many women, but it's just not healthy. And if you are on the opposite end listening to someone else gushing about the guy she likes, be kind, but don't overly encourage her emotions. The whole, "That's so cute! You would be perfect together!" or "Tell me EVERYTHING he said!" puts thoughts and emotions into her mind that possibly shouldn't be there. I'm not saying you can't have fun and enjoy those butterflies you get when you have a crush, but know when to stop and redirect your thoughts. Don't lose control of your emotions.
- Don't tell the whole world. This is something I have a hard time not doing, especially because I am a very open, talkative person. But I truly believe that with each person you tell, you are ingraining those mental and behavioral patterns. It becomes more real to you, and your expectations start building (especially the more people encourage you as a result of you telling them). And the more people you tell about all the little interactions and conversations you have with him, the more you dwell on those things, and they become fixed in your heart, and your heart learns how to use those things to deceive you.
3. I believe the desire of every woman is to be pursued, not to pursue -- for some women, that desire has become so distorted, but I believe that God put that desire in us. It is how we as women identify with the "feminine" side of God -- He longs to be pursued by us, to be desired and to be loved. Why should we deny one of the desires that gives us the privilege of identifying with our Creator? Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge is a good read on this topic. I also recommend reading Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones. And read this blog post about not pursuing men but letting them pursue you: http://www.truewoman.com/?id=1639.
4. Remember Song of Solomon 2:7 -- "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Wait patiently on the Lord.
Those points don't say much. They're good pieces of head knowledge, but what about this heart? And how do we make our hearts believe all of that and actually feel all of it? We start with prayer, and we start with acting on it.
I chose to act on talking to the guy I liked about my feelings because I knew my heart just wasn't getting it, and I needed a head start to learning how to tame it -- and that head start was getting rid of the opportunities and excuses it could make to continue playing with the emotions it already had possession of.
And now I start over. Clearing out that room in my heart -- packing emotions into boxes and storing them in another room, for the right time to be opened again; burning pictures; sweeping the dust out the door (I hope you know this is all metaphorical). It hurts. I feel naked, exposed, my insides laid bare. But the Lord heals, and He is patient with my still-wandering heart.
You know what's crazy? As quoted earlier, Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Sounds hopeless. But skip ahead to 1 John 3:20 -- "If our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows everything."
It's going to take time, and it will be awkward for a while -- what process of healing isn't? -- but God is gracious. And He is great.
Dear Heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you?
Just look at all the trouble you drag me into.
I've heard it said to follow your heart,
but I'm starting to wonder if it's gone too far.
Oh Heart, you've let me down,
chasing love where it can't be found.
Heart, we've fallen out,
'cause all of your emotions have led me to doubt.
Tell me, who's going to save us now?
Only Jesus can save us now.
-- Sanctus Real
