into the light: what's in the dark leaves the dark

I'm giving you the gift of going second:

Satan loves it when we believe we are the only ones struggling with sin. When we feel isolated, uniquely perverted, ashamed. Alone.

As a girl struggling with pornography, I went through a huge part of my life believing I was the only one. "Pornography is a guy's thing." So why was I addicted to it? I felt uniquely perverted, and that is part of what kept me in it. I was afraid to step into the light -- to come clean -- because, apparently, I wasn't supposed to be dealing with it in the first place.

Feeling alone makes it easier for us to bury our faces in shame, turning to the very things that bring us that shame instead of rising up and turning to those who can help us -- and to God.

After a series of events, I found the website, freedombeginshere.com, the summer before my senior year of high school. It's an online community and resource for Christian men and women struggling with pornography. As I read testimonies of different people -- some who had just fallen into it, some who had been struggling for 20 years, some who had overcome -- I noticed only one thing: some testimonies were from women. After seven years of believing I was the only girl in the world that struggled with pornography, suddenly, I wasn't alone anymore.

God has recently given me the privilege of witnessing four girls step into the light, girls I never suspected dealt with it. (Well, most people never looked at me either and said to themselves, "Now that's a girl addicted to pornography.") And that's the hard part: we look so good on the outside, and we want to keep up that image. But I believe that one of God's purposes for the body of Christ is transparency, for the Church to be a safe place for saints and sinners to confess their sins to one another and build each other up.

So what is this nonsense of taboo subjects? Of subjects inappropriate for the Church? There is a time and place to be silent, and a time and place to speak. There are "appropriate" ways to step into the light. But tact aside, we are all human, and these sins are no secret to us. You really can never know -- the person sitting beside you in church could be struggling with the same thing as you, and both of you may be trying to fake it. What accountability could be formed if we only trusted and confessed our sins to one another!

I recently met with a freshman girl and we shared our testimonies with each other. After I shared mine, opening up about my struggle with pornography, she chose to step into the light -- she too struggles with the same sin, and up to that point had thought she was the only one. The only one. It is such a bothersome thought, and it breaks my heart because I remember when I used to feel that way.

Now, she's a freshman, just starting out in ministry; and I am a junior, a Bible study leader, discipler and part of the worship band. And we are both struggling with the same sin, and on the surface, it seems there is little I can do to help her since I am in the same boat. Should I feel like any less of a leader for being so transparent? I don't think so. We are all life-long learners, all living by God's grace each day. My being a leader and two years older doesn't change that. But sometimes we let those kinds of details keep us from stepping into the light.

Satan fills our heads with lies that we have to look like the perfect Christian, that the body of Christ will not accept us unless we do. And sadly, this is sometimes true. But what did Jesus do? He hung out with the sinners, with the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the thieves. Are we any better or any worse? No. Through the blood of Christ, the Father accepts us the way we are, and it is His Spirit in us transforming us. It takes time. But He gave us each other, the Body, this fellowship, to imitate Him in accepting one another for all our faults, all our shame and disease, and to encourage one another.

And how do we do this? By stepping into the light.

"The night is almost over, it will be daylight soon; let us give up the things we prefer to do under cover of the dark; let us arm ourselves and appear in the light." Romans 13:12

I have found that regularly talking about my pornography addiction in the context of "this is wrong"makes it harder for me to actually partake in the addiction on my own. Bringing this into the light makes it difficult for me to do it in the dark. It's not a secret anymore. God has drawn out the secrets of my past, these secret motives, these secret sins, these secret feelings, and He has given me people who know exactly where I've been, who have been there themselves, and who will not look down on me for it. I desire freedom from pornography, and He desires it more than I do! And He is making ways for this to happen, and He will continue to do so if I daily surrender to Him and lean on His strength and His grace.

My heart goes out to every young woman still in the dark (to every young man as well, but specifically the women because it is such a taboo thing for us). I desire that every woman struggling with any form of sexual addiction can find the accountability and freedom that I have found, the same accountability and freedom that God wants to give you too!

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." (John 3:19-21)

PS: What do I mean by "the gift of going second"?

"Whenever somebody confesses something, and they're the first to do it, it's usually a pretty hard step to take. They don't know how people will respond... But they do it anyway. They give a gift. What happens on the other side of that confession is something beautiful. When you confess, there's somebody on the other of that confession who could very well be keeping a secret too. So when you go first, you're opening up this amazing opportunity for trust... It can give people the courage to go second. When people go second, it's not an easy thing, but because you have already broken the silence... it makes it a little bit easier... It's the Gift of Going Second that starts waves of confession and healing." --Anne Jackson