I would say being an INFJ (look up Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator) sometimes really frustrates me. But that sounds like I'm trying to define myself, which honestly gives me a sense of comfort. But to save the excuses and comfort, I'll just say that being me sometimes really frustrates me.
I'm normally good at reading people -- at least, when it comes to reading their comfort level, hurt, motives, etc. (Disclaimer: There are times when I suck at it too). But for the most part, I can read people. And I feel for people. And when there is conflict, I just want to fix it. If I can see two people are not getting along, especially when I know both sides of the conflict, I want so badly to mediate and fix the relationship. My heart is heavy until the conflict is resolved.
Conflict often upsets me so much to the point that I feel sick. I can't deal with it. I have to have closure. I have to explain myself. I have to communicate.
And I take personal offense when others don't want to communicate with me, because I take it to mean that they don't care about me or my relationship with them. I can't understand it, why anyone wouldn't want to get things out in the open, communicate, talk things out, understand each other. My life is an open book, and I just really wish everyone was like that. Does that sound selfish? I want everyone to be like me? Probably. It would probably create a lot of chaos. But I believe expressing what's on our hearts instead of sweeping it under the rug would result in a lot of healing and better relationships as well.
And that's the thing. Most people seem fine with sweeping conflict under the rug, pretending it didn't happen. But I can't do that. I hate insincerity. I hate being fake with people. If I am upset about something, I don't want to pretend I'm not. If something you're doing bothers me, I don't want to pretend it doesn't.
So there's good that comes from feeling a lot. A few examples include: I can easily sympathize, I am easily motivated to help others, I am often fairly quick to confront issues instead of harboring anger, and I am quick to express what's on my heart (including struggles), which normally leads others to feel comfortable enough to open up as well -- and I've seen God do wonders with those situations.
But there's the bad too. I can be impulsive and confront issues that shouldn't be confronted yet (or should never be confronted), I am extremely introspective and feel the need to control everything that goes on inside my heart and mind, I am very easily offended, I over think/analyze every situation, and it's very difficult for me to forgive people until they know how they have wronged me and have apologized for it.
That last one has been hitting me hard lately. Because I have such a need for closure and communication and sincerity, I almost never truly forgive anyone until we have talked it out, and usually they need to apologize -- and then I can forgive them. I don't feel at peace until they know how they have hurt me, and I have done all I can to make amends.
But this morning, God reminded me of how Jesus asked His Father to forgive His trespassers, "for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). Jesus asked His Father to forgive them, especially because they don't know what they did to Him. He didn't feel the need to justify Himself, to explain Himself to them -- show them how they hurt Him -- or at least He didn't act out on that feeling. He didn't talk it out with them. Certainly there was more He could have done to receive closure. He especially could have gone back to those same people who crucified Him after His resurrection and said to them, "See? I told you I'm the Son of God. Now do you see how you hurt me when you mocked me and killed me? Apologize!"
Now, I realize Jesus will one day have His moment, where He will come back in all His glory, and those who threw insults at Him and cursed Him will receive their punishment. But that's not the point.
The point is that the heart of God is forgiveness, even when people don't know what they did wrong. Even when no communication is involved. Even when no closure is reached.
Right now there are a lot of relationships in my life that involve a lot of effort on my part -- a lot of me initiating and apologizing for whatever I did wrong without receiving an apology in return, a lot of me doing what I can to keep the peace, a lot of getting rolled over, a lot of damage to my own esteem and heart...
... and a lot of just letting it all go.
Some of these broken relationships are a result of the other person simply being in that phase where they don't care about my feelings. Some are just like that -- rude. Some are misunderstood. Some really have no clue how they're hurting me. Some don't mean it.
But whatever it is, I need to learn to let go and stop trying to control other people -- stop trying to control their personalities, stop trying to control their growth, stop trying to control the way they relate to me.
Jesus was the most feeling man. Jesus was the most misunderstood man. Jesus was the most cursed man. Jesus was the most forgiving man.
Jesus was all of those things, and He is all of those things as God.
I am a very feeling person. And very misunderstood. Sometimes I feel hated, but really I don't even know what that really means.
Can I identify with Christ in those things, at least to some extent? Sure. So if I can relate to Him in those things, should I not strive to also identify with Him in the suffering associated with those things, and the forgiveness that should result?
A couple weeks ago, God blessed me by allowing me to have the closure that I desired with three different people. And those relationships were either "defined" or restored. There is a time to speak. That week was a time to speak.
But there is also a time to be silent. I have a feeling (hah, as usual) that God allowed me those moments to speak because He was preparing me for these moments of silence. Of suffering and not communicating that suffering. Now is a time to be silent, to learn to forgive during this silence. To love though I don't feel loved. To feel though they don't seem to feel.
To forgive without closure, though my heart has been programmed to do otherwise. (Good thing God is greater than my heart!)
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