these four walls

These are only walls. They are not my chains, and they have no power over me.

It's Thanksgiving Break now, and I am at home. The room I had in high school is now an office, and my bed is now in my sister's room. She likes the guest room better though, so I'm staying in her old room now. I hurt my sister in the past, and it wasn't until the end of my senior year of high school that I started repairing the damage that had been done. Sleeping within these light blue walls now brings back all my regrets, and with that a heavy heart. But they are only walls, and not my chains -- they have no power over me.

When I walk back into my old room, I remember the many nights I would lie awake at night in high school. I could see the moon through the window from my bed, and I would look for God in the sky, begging Him to forgive me for always giving in to my sexual addiction. That room brings back those memories of frustration and failure. But its bright pink walls are only that -- walls. They are not my chains, and they have no power over me.

There are many good memories in this house. But, of course, there are bad memories too. And it's strange how coming home brings the bad to mind, overwhelming the good. My heart is heavy, and I feel like I am backtracking. All the progress I made during my time away from home -- the relationship with God I have founded, the friendships I have formed, the mindsets, emotions, and perspectives I have developed, and the character I have refined. My family is made of the people who know me best, who know where I have been, and they can best judge me.

The temptations are greater here. I am more prone to loneliness, to boredom, to fear, to sin, to addiction. Because while I call this place home, this place holds my past. And when I am home, I am more inclined to be who I was before. The walls of this house are watching me, trying to overpower me and bring me to down -- this state of claustrophobia, chains around my heart and mind, the devil prowling by my bedside, waiting to master me.

But my God is protecting me. And these are only walls. They are not my chains. They have no power over me. My God is greater than this house.

And the devil's a dirtbag.

marked wonderful & set apart

I never thought I was extraordinary. Weird, maybe, or a mistake. But not extraordinary.

I've done my best to blend in, to be ordinary -- if that's what everyone else was. I've never tried to be better than anyone, only to measure up. To be normal.

Now here's what gets me: God didn't make me normal. He didn't make you normal.

Dig a little with me and read Psalm 139:14. (And don't roll your eyes because you've read it so many times!)

"I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works, and my soul knows it very well." (NASB)

Let's explore those bolded words.
Fearfully. From the root word meaning:
- to stand in awe of
- to be held in awe
- to put in fear, reverence
- to tremble

--> The same God who is all-powerful and worthy of fear and reverence is the same God who created me, as intricate and complex as I am.

Wonderfully. From the root word meaning:
- set apart
- become distinguished
- admirable
- to be distinct
- marked out

--> I never realized the meaning of wonderfully. I just thought that meant I was wonderful, and still not understanding what that meant either. But here, wonderfully comes from the Hebrew word palah, which means "set apart." I knew God created us individuals and sees each of us as each unique being... but to be set apart? To be distinct from the rest? That makes us different. That makes us not normal. That makes us something else...

Your works:
- the labor of His hands
- product, result
- things made

--> In this context, I believe David is specifically referring to us as God's work, as the product of His labor.
Wonderful. Similar to "wonderfully," but more pertaining to:
- marvelous
- beautiful
- extraordinary

--> Since we, God's "works," are the object of this adjective, those descriptions apply to us! We are marvelous. We are beautiful. We are extraordinary.

Very well. One word in Hebrew, meaning:
- exceedingly
- much
- abundantly

--> This same word is used in Deuteronomy 6:5. When God commanded us to love Him with all our strength, He is essentially saying, "Love Me exceedingly. Love Me so much that your strength depends on it." I believe "very well" in Psalm 139:14 is within the same context. "May your soul know that I have created you beautiful and extraordinary, set apart -- and may your strength depend on that knowledge." Essentially, when we are feeling inadequate, weak, not good enough, may we be reminded that those feelings are lies, and God has indeed made us wonderful -- and let that strengthen us.

I wasn't created to be normal. You weren't created to be normal. We. Are. Not. Normal. No change in thought, behavior or appearance will make that sentence any less true. We are, in fact, extraordinary. And He has forever marked us wonderful!

enough.

Enough.

"Well, at least you've been asked out. I've never been asked out."

I am terribly insecure. All my life I was second choice. Second best. And if I wasn't, I wasn't picked at all. I used that to justify my desire to be chosen, to be liked for once, to be asked out. I thought that would make me feel better about myself. "If someone would just like me for who I am..." That would solve everything. That would be enough.

Then I got picked. I got asked out. And I felt treasured for once. I thought, "Finally, I am worth it." Feeling like I was "good enough" because I got asked out was only enough for so long. Then it just wasn't enough anymore.

"Well, at least you've had someone return feelings for you. You've actually been in a relationship. I've never had that."

Now I need someone to return those feelings. Then I will be satisfied. Then it will be enough.

Will anything ever be enough? We as girls (at least, among my friends) have a habit of saying to each other: "At least you had someone ask you out..." "Yeah, but you had a quality guy really like you..." "But you at least had a 'friendlationship...'" "Well, you got closure. I didn't..." "At least you've actually been in a relationship..." "You don't understand. You've had four guys fall for you in the past month! How can you possibly not be satisfied?"

And so it goes on. But hurt is not relative. Desires are not relative. And we are thirsty creatures, always wanting more and never satisfied. That lack of satisfaction brings out the worst in us -- it resurfaces old wounds and creates new ones. Comparing ourselves to others does nothing more but bring us to our knees in a cry for pity, begging for our feelings to be justified.

When will we cry out, "I've had ENOUGH!" ??

Dear God, satisfy us with your unfailing love. We will never feel good enough by the things that are never good enough for us. But we don't have to be "good enough" for You; You love us regardless. You love us not in spite of who we are, but because of who we are. And You are enough for us. So can you fill us up, Living Water? We are tired of running dry.

"Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst." (John 4:13-14a)

the fingers of fear

Hurt is not relative. Pain has no comparison. There is no small brokenness, no "no big deal" suffering. The things that haunt you matter.

One discouraging word is enough to break the spirit -- it prepares the way for fear to plant itself in your soul. Fear grows and extends its long, bony fingers into the most delicate of places, the most vulnerable of emotions and experiences, and it takes hold, planting itself again and again until its down to the tiniest of roots, affecting the simplest of your thoughts and behaviors. Then you know: fear is anchored in your life.

And because it is so deeply rooted, it may take a lifetime to dig down deep enough to find its source. Where did it all begin? How did I become this way? Why do I have such an irrational fear of x? You name it.

I believe fear is what started it all. Having been secure in the presence of her Creator, Eve allowed Satan to plant fear in her heart: "What if God is holding out on me? What if He really isn't so good after all? Can I trust He is who He says He is? Can I trust that He really wants the best for me? So why wouldn't He want me to be like Him? Why wouldn't He want me to be wise? How can something that looks so good, tastes so good and can give me something so good be wrong? Why wouldn't He want me to have this fruit? What does He know that He isn't telling me?"

Suddenly, Eve isn't so secure anymore. Suddenly there is fear that her Creator isn't looking out for her. And let me tell you from experience: the moment you begin to doubt the presence of a good God watching over you, the fear is intense. And it is this fear, I believe, that is at the root of every fear.

At the heart of every fear and temptation, Satan uses this same tactic over and over again. He used it with Eve, and he used it with Jesus. "Did God really say...?" (Eve) "If you're really God..." (Jesus)

Both situations have their differences, but Satan is essentially saying the same thing to both of them:
Prove it. 
Test God. 
Do things your own way. 
Try it out. 
Tell me God's who He really says He is. 
How do you even know? 
You don't.

It's discouraging. Because Eve (and Adam) listened to Satan, all of mankind fell. But because of Jesus, all of mankind can be redeemed. Jesus overcame Satan's tactics of fear. Jesus overcame that temptation. I believe that in Gethsemane, Jesus experienced fear. He was afraid of the pain He knew He had to endure for us. But you know what the difference is between both Eve's and Jesus' experience with fear? Eve allowed it to take root in her heart; Jesus cast it out.

"Perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18)

So if fear is where it all begins, where does it end? More fear, more pain, more hurt, loneliness, death... if you never uproot fear.

But if you allow God to rip your heart open, exposing and searching out the deepest wounds you have -- even the ones you have suppressed for so long -- you can find healing. Your end is love.

It's not going to be easy. Exposing the insides never is. Forcing yourself to dig deep inside of yourself, shifting through your darkest memories and broken relationships... it's never easy. But I dare you to not settle for "easy."

Decide today to not give fear another day to settle deeper in your life.

dear heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you?

"The heart is deceitful above all things."

It's scary what your heart can convince you of. Right now I am at a place where I am terrified of my heart, and all I want to do is reach into my chest, pull it out and spank it. That puts a ridiculous image in my mind.

This is obviously public, so I'm not going to go into detail or name anyone, etc., but I want to write about it because I think it can make for a decent lesson. After about a year, I finally sought closure yesterday to the feelings I've had for this one guy. It was the first time I had ever confronted someone and poured out my heart like that, but I felt like it needed to be done. And this is why:

I knew we weren't right for each other. Almost the whole year that I liked him, I knew it. God never gave me any reason to believe it was right, and whenever I entertained the thought of him and me together, I didn't feel at peace about it. This guy never lead me on, he was just a good friend to me. But I foolishly chased him, something I also knew was not right. I felt like a fool, like I was in third grade all over again. I convinced myself he had feelings for me, even though there were moments where it was blatantly obvious he did not.

One event after another showed me he did not return my feelings. But in between those moments, there were smaller moments that made me think, "Just maybe..." My heart kept pulling me in, and I kept falling for its games.

Though I would verbally surrender it to God, and in my heart at times too, I kept taking it back and justifying my actions. "I'm not doing anything wrong; I'm just trying to be a good friend."

A mutual friend of mine and his would tell me there's nothing there, that I need to move on. But I kept thinking, "Well, maybe he's not telling his friend everything..."

Some things happened this past weekend that led me to a place where my mind and heart were wrestling. My mind got the picture; it understood it needed to move on. But my heart was not getting it, and I didn't know how to make it stop feeling what it was feeling. How do you tell your heart to stop hoping? How do you make your heart say no, make it feel what you know?

Monday morning I decided I was fed up with hearing it through my friend and through my own observations -- I wanted to know from the guy himself so my heart could no longer make excuses or play games with me.

The conversation went well. He was very gracious, and he responded the way I had hoped he would: he doesn't return the feelings, and I can move on. Details don't matter. What matters is now I have this mess of a heart to figure out.

Looking back over the past year, it's scary to think of all the time I wasted chasing someone I knew I shouldn't be chasing, chasing in the first place. God is gracious, and He used some of those experiences for good and in the building of my own character in some aspects. So I know I can't dwell in regret.

But when I think of how far I can go, how far my heart can take me, it honestly scares me. The movies tell us to "Follow your heart," but please do anything but! Your heart can lead you down some dangerous roads; don't follow it.

So in retrospect, if you were my little sister, or my friend really (which I expect you are since you are reading this), I would tell you the following points I have learned and either started seeing the fruits of or want to start working on, in regards to taming the heart. I can't think well enough to gather my thoughts and organize them in some fashionable way, but here are a few points that come to mind:

1. If your feelings for someone are not right, redirect your thoughts. Whenever you start thinking of him, thinking ahead about dating, marriage, all the "What if..."'s, etc., don't just scold yourself for doing so; redirect it and thank God instead for the man He is preparing for you, and ask Him to give you patience. I would recommend reading "Changing Your Thought Patterns" by George Sanchez, which can be found in a little NavClassics book.

2. Emotionally save yourself for your future husband. Growing up, I was a purity geek (well, in theory -- obviously, my porn addiction made me anything but pure). I read all the purity books, made all the vows, set all the dating rules, physical boundaries, made lists of the qualities I wanted in my future husband, etc. And one of the things I knew I wanted to do was not only physically save myself for marriage, but also emotionally save myself (and obviously, I have failed in this area). That may sound overly prudent, but it will save you a lot of heartache in the end. This basically means not entertaining the thoughts mentioned in point 1, as well as the following:

- Don't frequently gush about the guy you like. This is going to be a hard habit for me to break. But it only encourages your thoughts and emotions. I know "gushing" is one of the favorite pasttimes of many women, but it's just not healthy. And if you are on the opposite end listening to someone else gushing about the guy she likes, be kind, but don't overly encourage her emotions. The whole, "That's so cute! You would be perfect together!" or "Tell me EVERYTHING he said!" puts thoughts and emotions into her mind that possibly shouldn't be there. I'm not saying you can't have fun and enjoy those butterflies you get when you have a crush, but know when to stop and redirect your thoughts. Don't lose control of your emotions.

- Don't tell the whole world. This is something I have a hard time not doing, especially because I am a very open, talkative person. But I truly believe that with each person you tell, you are ingraining those mental and behavioral patterns. It becomes more real to you, and your expectations start building (especially the more people encourage you as a result of you telling them). And the more people you tell about all the little interactions and conversations you have with him, the more you dwell on those things, and they become fixed in your heart, and your heart learns how to use those things to deceive you.

3. I believe the desire of every woman is to be pursued, not to pursue -- for some women, that desire has become so distorted, but I believe that God put that desire in us. It is how we as women identify with the "feminine" side of God -- He longs to be pursued by us, to be desired and to be loved. Why should we deny one of the desires that gives us the privilege of identifying with our Creator? Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge is a good read on this topic. I also recommend reading Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones. And read this blog post about not pursuing men but letting them pursue you: http://www.truewoman.com/?id=1639.

4. Remember Song of Solomon 2:7 -- "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Wait patiently on the Lord.


Those points don't say much. They're good pieces of head knowledge, but what about this heart? And how do we make our hearts believe all of that and actually feel all of it? We start with prayer, and we start with acting on it.

I chose to act on talking to the guy I liked about my feelings because I knew my heart just wasn't getting it, and I needed a head start to learning how to tame it -- and that head start was getting rid of the opportunities and excuses it could make to continue playing with the emotions it already had possession of.

And now I start over. Clearing out that room in my heart -- packing emotions into boxes and storing them in another room, for the right time to be opened again; burning pictures; sweeping the dust out the door (I hope you know this is all metaphorical). It hurts. I feel naked, exposed, my insides laid bare. But the Lord heals, and He is patient with my still-wandering heart.

You know what's crazy? As quoted earlier, Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Sounds hopeless. But skip ahead to 1 John 3:20 -- "If our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows everything."

It's going to take time, and it will be awkward for a while -- what process of healing isn't? -- but God is gracious. And He is great.


Dear Heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you?
Just look at all the trouble you drag me into.
I've heard it said to follow your heart,
but I'm starting to wonder if it's gone too far.

Oh Heart, you've let me down,
chasing love where it can't be found.
Heart, we've fallen out,
'cause all of your emotions have led me to doubt.
Tell me, who's going to save us now?
Only Jesus can save us now.

-- Sanctus Real