dear heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you?

"The heart is deceitful above all things."

It's scary what your heart can convince you of. Right now I am at a place where I am terrified of my heart, and all I want to do is reach into my chest, pull it out and spank it. That puts a ridiculous image in my mind.

This is obviously public, so I'm not going to go into detail or name anyone, etc., but I want to write about it because I think it can make for a decent lesson. After about a year, I finally sought closure yesterday to the feelings I've had for this one guy. It was the first time I had ever confronted someone and poured out my heart like that, but I felt like it needed to be done. And this is why:

I knew we weren't right for each other. Almost the whole year that I liked him, I knew it. God never gave me any reason to believe it was right, and whenever I entertained the thought of him and me together, I didn't feel at peace about it. This guy never lead me on, he was just a good friend to me. But I foolishly chased him, something I also knew was not right. I felt like a fool, like I was in third grade all over again. I convinced myself he had feelings for me, even though there were moments where it was blatantly obvious he did not.

One event after another showed me he did not return my feelings. But in between those moments, there were smaller moments that made me think, "Just maybe..." My heart kept pulling me in, and I kept falling for its games.

Though I would verbally surrender it to God, and in my heart at times too, I kept taking it back and justifying my actions. "I'm not doing anything wrong; I'm just trying to be a good friend."

A mutual friend of mine and his would tell me there's nothing there, that I need to move on. But I kept thinking, "Well, maybe he's not telling his friend everything..."

Some things happened this past weekend that led me to a place where my mind and heart were wrestling. My mind got the picture; it understood it needed to move on. But my heart was not getting it, and I didn't know how to make it stop feeling what it was feeling. How do you tell your heart to stop hoping? How do you make your heart say no, make it feel what you know?

Monday morning I decided I was fed up with hearing it through my friend and through my own observations -- I wanted to know from the guy himself so my heart could no longer make excuses or play games with me.

The conversation went well. He was very gracious, and he responded the way I had hoped he would: he doesn't return the feelings, and I can move on. Details don't matter. What matters is now I have this mess of a heart to figure out.

Looking back over the past year, it's scary to think of all the time I wasted chasing someone I knew I shouldn't be chasing, chasing in the first place. God is gracious, and He used some of those experiences for good and in the building of my own character in some aspects. So I know I can't dwell in regret.

But when I think of how far I can go, how far my heart can take me, it honestly scares me. The movies tell us to "Follow your heart," but please do anything but! Your heart can lead you down some dangerous roads; don't follow it.

So in retrospect, if you were my little sister, or my friend really (which I expect you are since you are reading this), I would tell you the following points I have learned and either started seeing the fruits of or want to start working on, in regards to taming the heart. I can't think well enough to gather my thoughts and organize them in some fashionable way, but here are a few points that come to mind:

1. If your feelings for someone are not right, redirect your thoughts. Whenever you start thinking of him, thinking ahead about dating, marriage, all the "What if..."'s, etc., don't just scold yourself for doing so; redirect it and thank God instead for the man He is preparing for you, and ask Him to give you patience. I would recommend reading "Changing Your Thought Patterns" by George Sanchez, which can be found in a little NavClassics book.

2. Emotionally save yourself for your future husband. Growing up, I was a purity geek (well, in theory -- obviously, my porn addiction made me anything but pure). I read all the purity books, made all the vows, set all the dating rules, physical boundaries, made lists of the qualities I wanted in my future husband, etc. And one of the things I knew I wanted to do was not only physically save myself for marriage, but also emotionally save myself (and obviously, I have failed in this area). That may sound overly prudent, but it will save you a lot of heartache in the end. This basically means not entertaining the thoughts mentioned in point 1, as well as the following:

- Don't frequently gush about the guy you like. This is going to be a hard habit for me to break. But it only encourages your thoughts and emotions. I know "gushing" is one of the favorite pasttimes of many women, but it's just not healthy. And if you are on the opposite end listening to someone else gushing about the guy she likes, be kind, but don't overly encourage her emotions. The whole, "That's so cute! You would be perfect together!" or "Tell me EVERYTHING he said!" puts thoughts and emotions into her mind that possibly shouldn't be there. I'm not saying you can't have fun and enjoy those butterflies you get when you have a crush, but know when to stop and redirect your thoughts. Don't lose control of your emotions.

- Don't tell the whole world. This is something I have a hard time not doing, especially because I am a very open, talkative person. But I truly believe that with each person you tell, you are ingraining those mental and behavioral patterns. It becomes more real to you, and your expectations start building (especially the more people encourage you as a result of you telling them). And the more people you tell about all the little interactions and conversations you have with him, the more you dwell on those things, and they become fixed in your heart, and your heart learns how to use those things to deceive you.

3. I believe the desire of every woman is to be pursued, not to pursue -- for some women, that desire has become so distorted, but I believe that God put that desire in us. It is how we as women identify with the "feminine" side of God -- He longs to be pursued by us, to be desired and to be loved. Why should we deny one of the desires that gives us the privilege of identifying with our Creator? Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge is a good read on this topic. I also recommend reading Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones. And read this blog post about not pursuing men but letting them pursue you: http://www.truewoman.com/?id=1639.

4. Remember Song of Solomon 2:7 -- "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Wait patiently on the Lord.


Those points don't say much. They're good pieces of head knowledge, but what about this heart? And how do we make our hearts believe all of that and actually feel all of it? We start with prayer, and we start with acting on it.

I chose to act on talking to the guy I liked about my feelings because I knew my heart just wasn't getting it, and I needed a head start to learning how to tame it -- and that head start was getting rid of the opportunities and excuses it could make to continue playing with the emotions it already had possession of.

And now I start over. Clearing out that room in my heart -- packing emotions into boxes and storing them in another room, for the right time to be opened again; burning pictures; sweeping the dust out the door (I hope you know this is all metaphorical). It hurts. I feel naked, exposed, my insides laid bare. But the Lord heals, and He is patient with my still-wandering heart.

You know what's crazy? As quoted earlier, Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Sounds hopeless. But skip ahead to 1 John 3:20 -- "If our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows everything."

It's going to take time, and it will be awkward for a while -- what process of healing isn't? -- but God is gracious. And He is great.


Dear Heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you?
Just look at all the trouble you drag me into.
I've heard it said to follow your heart,
but I'm starting to wonder if it's gone too far.

Oh Heart, you've let me down,
chasing love where it can't be found.
Heart, we've fallen out,
'cause all of your emotions have led me to doubt.
Tell me, who's going to save us now?
Only Jesus can save us now.

-- Sanctus Real

there are angels and demons waging war in my room

Something amazing is about to happen. I know this because Satan is visibly attacking, and as a result, the three young women he is attacking right now (including myself) are only clinging to each other more and to God. We are not backing down.

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

'God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.'

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 5:5-11)

Satan doesn't like it when sin is exposed, when it is brought out into the light. He doesn't like it when those whom God has made holy through the blood of Christ begin to realize they are indeed free. He doesn't like it when these free men and women begin to join forces and come together in fellowship. He doesn't like it when they start down the road to healing.

Scratch that. He hates all those things.

But you know what's cool? God hates Satan. As my friend Joy put it, God absolutely detests the fact that Satan is after us, that he's trying to destroy us.

We may find ourselves feeling especially weak right now, and it may be painful and scary. We are under attack. But we have a God who is so fiercely in love with us and is willing to lay His life down to protect us.

Satan may be running toward us, hurling his spears at us, but our God is running out to meet him, His eyes ablaze -- and I already know who's going to win.


"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

Read all of Psalm 91. Breathe it in.

the broken road to and from pornography

I'm going to let you in on a secret: I'm broken. It's actually not a secret at all, for all of us really. But we like to pretend it is, and then the walls come up.

I'm good at being vulnerable. I can control how much I share with you, how much I let you in. Sometimes I take pride in this ability to be vulnerable and share with you what no one else would dare to share. (This is not a good thing, by the way).

But to admit to you that I am broken -- that is something different. I can't control my brokenness. To expose brokenness is to be raw and true. No walls, no curtains, no control over the extremity of my brokenness. I just am. 

(For more on brokenness vs. vulnerability, you should read this blog by Beggar's Daughter: http://purityafterpornography.wordpress.com/2011/10/11/brokenness-vs-vulnerability/)

I like to be in control. And when I am not, I am afraid. There are things inside of me that I cannot touch, things that I can only lay bare before God and ask Him to fix it, because I can't on my own.

There is this desire to look at pornography, to fill myself up in a way that I can control, in a way I know will comfort me, if only for a few minutes. Even if I know it will leave me even more broken the second it is gone.

Normally when I open the door to pornography and then decide to close it, it is because I can no longer find what I am looking for. I am not satisfied, but I have had my "fill" nonetheless, and it is time to move on.

Brokenness: This morning, I opened the door again. The morning after Jim Rinella spoke at NavNite about spiritual warfare and how we shouldn't open doors that should never be opened, or close doors we shouldn't have opened. Yet I opened the door, trying to justify the sin as I engaged in it.

After ten minutes or so, I closed the door. The difference with the closing of this door, however, was that I hadn't had my "fill" yet. There were more places to explore, doors that opened, one after the other. And I could have gone on for hours like I always had before. I will admit, the main reason I closed the door so quickly was because I had friends coming over in just fifteen minutes and I needed to get ready. But then I received a text from them saying they would be half an hour late. I looked back at my computer and thought, "I could just continue then."

But I heard God whisper to me:

"If you open that door, it will lead to another door, and then another. There will always be a world of pornography for you to explore, always a mixture of different keyword searches you could enter that will turn up new and exciting results, always 'related videos' that will lead you further into this world of sin. It's never going to be enough for you.

"Be convinced of this, Karla -- that desire is not going to leave you for a long time. Maybe it never will while you are still in this world. You might think you've figured it out and gotten rid of it, but you're only thinking you've simply had your 'fill' for the time being, and you anticipate that you will have to satisfy the desire again later down the road. In this case, the time being was your four months of 'freedom.' This week, it was six days.

"Child, at some point, you're just going to have to decide to put away with it and fight that desire, whether you have had your fill or not. At some point, you're going to have to acknowledge you have absolutely no control over this and surrender it to Me. Stop trying to fix yourself, and let Me do it.

"But let me tell you something: you're going to have to stop opening doors. You may not have control over what you desire right now, but you have control over what you do with those desires. I have promised you I will always provide a way out when you are tempted. Take the way out. Close the door. Let's do this together, by My strength.

"When I look at you, Karla, I don't see your sin. I see a pure and blameless child. You are free from accusation, and you are covered by My grace. But I can see the life that you are living, and it is a life under the bondage of pornography. It may not be as frequent as before, but that is only because you are suppressing it and refusing to get to the core of the issue.

"You are still allowing your desire for control, your desire for love, your desire for sexual pleasure to consume you, and though you are free from the eternal consequences of your sin, you are not free from its effects on your heart, on your soul, on your mind, on your relationships, on your view of yourself before Me, and on your view of Me.

"I want freedom for you. I gave Jesus for you so you could not only be free of sin's eternal consequences in separating you from Me, but to be free of sin itself because it is not of Me, and I am good. I made you for Me.

"So make the decision today to fight your sinful nature -- specifically your desire for pornography -- and walk by My Spirit instead. And I promise I will be with you. Because you love Me, I will fight for you. Take heart, my child, I have overcome the world."


Some paraphrases from 1 Corinthians 10:13, Psalm 91:14, and John 16:33.

trusting our Sun and Shield

I wrote this in my prayer journal on October 17, but I never got around to posting it in a blog until now:


Have you ever been afraid to enjoy something, love someone or want something so much for fear that God is going to take it away, or not give it to you? Our reasoning is often this: While we want to believe it's not in God's nature to take away what we want for the sake of it, we have experienced times where He will withhold what we want or what we have because it's become an idol for us or it's just not best for us.

I was just talking to my Bible study co-leader, Ashleigh, about this Friday night, discussing how sometimes we live in this fear, so that if there is anything we begin to love or enjoy, we force ourselves to become apathetic to it, because if we care too much, God is going to take it away from us.

Two days later, I read Psalm 84 in my quiet time. In verses 11-12, the psalmist says that God is our sun and shield -- one who gives life, and one who protects life. He "bestows" favor and honor upon us, and does not withhold good things from us, if we continue in faith and righteousness with Him.

That is His heart -- He takes great joy in blessing us and will not withhold that which is good for us; but in light of that, if something is not good for us, He may take it away. Or sometimes He will want to teach us a lesson by letting us keep it and having us see the consequences of it. His actions may not seem consistent to us, but they are consistent with His consistent nature -- a God of justice and mercy, wrath and love.

But how do we go about living in light of this? How do we find this balance?

"O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Trust.

into the light: what's in the dark leaves the dark

I'm giving you the gift of going second:

Satan loves it when we believe we are the only ones struggling with sin. When we feel isolated, uniquely perverted, ashamed. Alone.

As a girl struggling with pornography, I went through a huge part of my life believing I was the only one. "Pornography is a guy's thing." So why was I addicted to it? I felt uniquely perverted, and that is part of what kept me in it. I was afraid to step into the light -- to come clean -- because, apparently, I wasn't supposed to be dealing with it in the first place.

Feeling alone makes it easier for us to bury our faces in shame, turning to the very things that bring us that shame instead of rising up and turning to those who can help us -- and to God.

After a series of events, I found the website, freedombeginshere.com, the summer before my senior year of high school. It's an online community and resource for Christian men and women struggling with pornography. As I read testimonies of different people -- some who had just fallen into it, some who had been struggling for 20 years, some who had overcome -- I noticed only one thing: some testimonies were from women. After seven years of believing I was the only girl in the world that struggled with pornography, suddenly, I wasn't alone anymore.

God has recently given me the privilege of witnessing four girls step into the light, girls I never suspected dealt with it. (Well, most people never looked at me either and said to themselves, "Now that's a girl addicted to pornography.") And that's the hard part: we look so good on the outside, and we want to keep up that image. But I believe that one of God's purposes for the body of Christ is transparency, for the Church to be a safe place for saints and sinners to confess their sins to one another and build each other up.

So what is this nonsense of taboo subjects? Of subjects inappropriate for the Church? There is a time and place to be silent, and a time and place to speak. There are "appropriate" ways to step into the light. But tact aside, we are all human, and these sins are no secret to us. You really can never know -- the person sitting beside you in church could be struggling with the same thing as you, and both of you may be trying to fake it. What accountability could be formed if we only trusted and confessed our sins to one another!

I recently met with a freshman girl and we shared our testimonies with each other. After I shared mine, opening up about my struggle with pornography, she chose to step into the light -- she too struggles with the same sin, and up to that point had thought she was the only one. The only one. It is such a bothersome thought, and it breaks my heart because I remember when I used to feel that way.

Now, she's a freshman, just starting out in ministry; and I am a junior, a Bible study leader, discipler and part of the worship band. And we are both struggling with the same sin, and on the surface, it seems there is little I can do to help her since I am in the same boat. Should I feel like any less of a leader for being so transparent? I don't think so. We are all life-long learners, all living by God's grace each day. My being a leader and two years older doesn't change that. But sometimes we let those kinds of details keep us from stepping into the light.

Satan fills our heads with lies that we have to look like the perfect Christian, that the body of Christ will not accept us unless we do. And sadly, this is sometimes true. But what did Jesus do? He hung out with the sinners, with the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the thieves. Are we any better or any worse? No. Through the blood of Christ, the Father accepts us the way we are, and it is His Spirit in us transforming us. It takes time. But He gave us each other, the Body, this fellowship, to imitate Him in accepting one another for all our faults, all our shame and disease, and to encourage one another.

And how do we do this? By stepping into the light.

"The night is almost over, it will be daylight soon; let us give up the things we prefer to do under cover of the dark; let us arm ourselves and appear in the light." Romans 13:12

I have found that regularly talking about my pornography addiction in the context of "this is wrong"makes it harder for me to actually partake in the addiction on my own. Bringing this into the light makes it difficult for me to do it in the dark. It's not a secret anymore. God has drawn out the secrets of my past, these secret motives, these secret sins, these secret feelings, and He has given me people who know exactly where I've been, who have been there themselves, and who will not look down on me for it. I desire freedom from pornography, and He desires it more than I do! And He is making ways for this to happen, and He will continue to do so if I daily surrender to Him and lean on His strength and His grace.

My heart goes out to every young woman still in the dark (to every young man as well, but specifically the women because it is such a taboo thing for us). I desire that every woman struggling with any form of sexual addiction can find the accountability and freedom that I have found, the same accountability and freedom that God wants to give you too!

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." (John 3:19-21)

PS: What do I mean by "the gift of going second"?

"Whenever somebody confesses something, and they're the first to do it, it's usually a pretty hard step to take. They don't know how people will respond... But they do it anyway. They give a gift. What happens on the other side of that confession is something beautiful. When you confess, there's somebody on the other of that confession who could very well be keeping a secret too. So when you go first, you're opening up this amazing opportunity for trust... It can give people the courage to go second. When people go second, it's not an easy thing, but because you have already broken the silence... it makes it a little bit easier... It's the Gift of Going Second that starts waves of confession and healing." --Anne Jackson