new pastures.

One of the best things I did this past fall semester was read "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23" by Phillip Keller. Ever chapter of the book warms my insides more than peppermint hot cocoa, but this particular passage has special meaning to me:

"Sheep are notorious creatures of habit. If left to themselves, they will follow the same trails until they become ruts; graze the same hills until they turn to desert wastes; pollute their own ground until it is corrupt with disease and parasites. Many of the world's finest sheep ranges have been ruined beyond repair by overgrazing, poor management, and indifferent or ignorant sheep owners...

No other class of livestock requires more careful handling, more detailed direction, than do sheep. No doubt David, as a shepherd himself, had learned this firsthand from tough experience. He knew beyond dispute that if the flock was to flourish and the owner's reputation was to be held in high esteem as a good manager, the sheep had to be constantly under his meticulous control and guidance... Because of the behavior of sheep and their preference of certain favored spots, these well-worn areas become quickly infested with parasites of all kinds. In a short time a whole flock can thus become infected with worms, nematodes and scab. The final upshot is that both land and owner are ruined while the sheep become thin, waste and sickly.

The intelligent shepherd is aware of all this. Not only just for the welfare of his sheep and the health of his land, but also for his own sake and reputation as a rancher, he must take the necessary precautions to safeguard against these adverse animal traits... The greatest single safeguard which a shepherd has in handling his flock is to keep them on the move. That is to say, they dare not be left on the same ground too long. They must be shifted from pasture to pasture periodically... There must be a predetermined plan of action, a deliberate, planned rotation from one grazing ground to another in line with right and proper principles of sound management. This is precisely the sort of action and the idea David had in mind when he spoke of being led in paths of righteousness."

here are a couple possible interpretations of this passage, but in my life, I saw this:

Mid-October, God threw a curveball in my plans to graduate Fall 2012, a semester early already, and presented me the opportunity to graduate in Spring 2012, a whole year early. It's a long story, but the choice was before me. In just the months before, I had been contemplating prolonging my original plans and staying in college the whole four years because I just wasn't ready to grow up, to move on from the college life I had finally become comfortable in -- I wanted to stay with my friends, keep moving up in leadership in the Navs, find my husband, graduate with my friends. And now God was giving me the choice to graduate even earlier. I debated for a couple days and spent a lot of time in prayer and seeking counsel.

And in the midst of all my panic, God's calm, gentle voice broke through the noise: "Karla, it's time for a new pasture. Time to move on. You don't know where you're going, you don't know where the next pasture will be, but it's going to be okay -- just follow Me."

I don't know where I'm going. I feel like a fake, a wanna-be senior. I will graduate a month before I turn 21. For some, this is no big deal. But it took me a long time to process, and I am still processing, still emotionally unprepared. But I know I have become too comfortable in my college bubble, and God's asking me to grow up now.

I'm not sure where the next pasture is, and I'm not going to sit around waiting for God to reveal it to me. I believe He will simply lead me, day by day. He has already given me the wisdom I need to make decisions, as I remain in Him. I am only praying that I will have the right motives for whatever decision I make, and that I will walk in righteousness. I am praying that He will open doors, that He will close doors, but that I won't determine closed doors based on my laziness. (If you haven't, read "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung.)

So here's to my last semester of college, living in light of God's grace and faithfulness. I'm finally beginning to feel ready for this new pasture, and I'm happily following my Good Shepherd!

thick skin, soft heart (brother wounds)

I'm realizing what it means to have thick skin but a soft heart. Well, not because I'm learning what it's like to have those things, but the situations in which I need to have these things.

I'm going to peel back another layer of me: I seek approval of my 16-year-old brother.

Does that sound stupid? It does to me, but it doesn't make it any less true. We used to be close as kids, although I suppose most siblings are at that age. But now he doesn't want to spend time with me, talk to me, tell me what's going on in his life, or hear what's going on in my life. And I, hating conflict, am not okay with that. I asked him out on a "date" tonight; I would treat him to any restaurant he wanted -- to catch up, to spend time together. It's not an unusual thing, because we used to go out on "dates" my senior year of high school and when I would come home from college freshmen and sophomore year. But he didn't want to, even when I offered his favorite restaurant.

Things change, I know. When we were younger, we would make fun of each other all the time, explaining to my parents that it was okay because it was just the normal sibling rivalry. But now I've seen how it does hurt, and now I've outgrown it, but he still hasn't because he's four years younger. Also, he's going through new things in his life, and I really am blessed I have a brother who even makes small talk with me when we're among the rest of the family, a brother who will poke me in the sides really hard until it throbs and won't stop when I ask him to -- but at least it's attention, right? Could be his love language of sorts...

See how silly that all sounds? Who cares what my little brother thinks. For some reason, I do. This past Thanksgiving Break, my brother called me fat in not so nice words. I wouldn't normally take it so personally except that I was already feeling bad about myself, and he was relentless about it, refusing to apologize even when I began crying. That night was when I realized how much power my brother had over my feelings, over my security, over my self-esteem, over my heart. And I was giving Satan a foothold, allowing him to crowd my mind with lies: "Your brother would love you if you weren't so ugly, if you weren't so fat, if you weren't so boring, if you weren't so stupid." My counselor (rather, the woman I am meeting with at the Navigators PRT) told me to read these chapters on "Healing Mother Wounds" and "Healing Father Wounds." Can I get a "Healing Brother Wounds" chapter too?

Another thing is, I can see how this affects my friendships with men. And with my brother being one of the few men (boys) in my life, his approval and love means a lot to me. And this need/desire in me and the emotions that come with the lack of it being filled always overwhelms the fact that my brother has a life of his own and his own stuff he's going through that may have nothing to do with me.

When some relationship goes sour or has some kind of kink in it, I always assume it's my fault. There's something I'm doing wrong, something I'm not getting. And I feel restless about it because I feel there's always something I can do to make it better.

I don't know if that's the case with my brother, other than working on loving him better through my actions and the things I say. But I know I can't push for a closer relationship if that's not where he's at right now (even if, in my mind, I'm always doubting whether I just poorly worded my question to hang out with him or didn't come from the appropriate angle or choose the most effective approach, etc.).

So all that is to say: have a thick skin, but a soft heart. Don't give Satan a foothold. You're not fat. You're not ugly. You're not boring. You're not stupid. Be secure in Christ, not in the love you want from your brother. Keep things in perspective, and remember not everything has everything to do with you and what you could be doing wrong. And sometimes you're not doing anything wrong. Learn to be okay with leaving things alone, and letting people grow for a while, including yourself. God is sovereign and cares more about these relationship than you do, so stop worrying. Stop trying to control everything and everyone.

This is the advice I am giving myself tonight.

...and a time to be silent

How do you stop feeling? Sometimes I get so tired of it.

I would say being an INFJ (look up Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator) sometimes really frustrates me. But that sounds like I'm trying to define myself, which honestly gives me a sense of comfort. But to save the excuses and comfort, I'll just say that being me sometimes really frustrates me.

I'm normally good at reading people -- at least, when it comes to reading their comfort level, hurt, motives, etc. (Disclaimer: There are times when I suck at it too).  But for the most part, I can read people. And I feel for people. And when there is conflict, I just want to fix it. If I can see two people are not getting along, especially when I know both sides of the conflict, I want so badly to mediate and fix the relationship. My heart is heavy until the conflict is resolved.

Conflict often upsets me so much to the point that I feel sick. I can't deal with it. I have to have closure. I have to explain myself. I have to communicate.

And I take personal offense when others don't want to communicate with me, because I take it to mean that they don't care about me or my relationship with them. I can't understand it, why anyone wouldn't want to get things out in the open, communicate, talk things out, understand each other. My life is an open book, and I just really wish everyone was like that. Does that sound selfish? I want everyone to be like me? Probably. It would probably create a lot of chaos. But I believe expressing what's on our hearts instead of sweeping it under the rug would result in a lot of healing and better relationships as well.

And that's the thing. Most people seem fine with sweeping conflict under the rug, pretending it didn't happen. But I can't do that. I hate insincerity. I hate being fake with people. If I am upset about something, I don't want to pretend I'm not. If something you're doing bothers me, I don't want to pretend it doesn't.

So there's good that comes from feeling a lot. A few examples include: I can easily sympathize, I am easily motivated to help others, I am often fairly quick to confront issues instead of harboring anger, and I am quick to express what's on my heart (including struggles), which normally leads others to feel comfortable enough to open up as well -- and I've seen God do wonders with those situations.

But there's the bad too. I can be impulsive and confront issues that shouldn't be confronted yet (or should never be confronted), I am extremely introspective and feel the need to control everything that goes on inside my heart and mind, I am very easily offended, I over think/analyze every situation, and it's very difficult for me to forgive people until they know how they have wronged me and have apologized for it.

That last one has been hitting me hard lately. Because I have such a need for closure and communication and sincerity, I almost never truly forgive anyone until we have talked it out, and usually they need to apologize -- and then I can forgive them. I don't feel at peace until they know how they have hurt me, and I have done all I can to make amends.

But this morning, God reminded me of how Jesus asked His Father to forgive His trespassers, "for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). Jesus asked His Father to forgive them, especially because they don't know what they did to Him. He didn't feel the need to justify Himself, to explain Himself to them -- show them how they hurt Him -- or at least He didn't act out on that feeling. He didn't talk it out with them. Certainly there was more He could have done to receive closure. He especially could have gone back to those same people who crucified Him after His resurrection and said to them, "See? I told you I'm the Son of God. Now do you see how you hurt me when you mocked me and killed me? Apologize!"

Now, I realize Jesus will one day have His moment, where He will come back in all His glory, and those who threw insults at Him and cursed Him will receive their punishment. But that's not the point.

The point is that the heart of God is forgiveness, even when people don't know what they did wrong. Even when no communication is involved. Even when no closure is reached.

Right now there are a lot of relationships in my life that involve a lot of effort on my part -- a lot of me initiating and apologizing for whatever I did wrong without receiving an apology in return, a lot of me doing what I can to keep the peace, a lot of getting rolled over, a lot of damage to my own esteem and heart...

... and a lot of just letting it all go.

Some of these broken relationships are a result of the other person simply being in that phase where they don't care about my feelings. Some are just like that -- rude. Some are misunderstood. Some really have no clue how they're hurting me. Some don't mean it.

But whatever it is, I need to learn to let go and stop trying to control other people -- stop trying to control their personalities, stop trying to control their growth, stop trying to control the way they relate to me.

Jesus was the most feeling man. Jesus was the most misunderstood man. Jesus was the most cursed man. Jesus was the most forgiving man.

Jesus was all of those things, and He is all of those things as God.

I am a very feeling person. And very misunderstood. Sometimes I feel hated, but really I don't even know what that really means.

Can I identify with Christ in those things, at least to some extent? Sure. So if I can relate to Him in those things, should I not strive to also identify with Him in the suffering associated with those things, and the forgiveness that should result?

A couple weeks ago, God blessed me by allowing me to have the closure that I desired with three different people. And those relationships were either "defined" or restored. There is a time to speak. That week was a time to speak.

But there is also a time to be silent. I have a feeling (hah, as usual) that God allowed me those moments to speak because He was preparing me for these moments of silence. Of suffering and not communicating that suffering. Now is a time to be silent, to learn to forgive during this silence. To love though I don't feel loved. To feel though they don't seem to feel.

To forgive without closure, though my heart has been programmed to do otherwise. (Good thing God is greater than my heart!)

these four walls

These are only walls. They are not my chains, and they have no power over me.

It's Thanksgiving Break now, and I am at home. The room I had in high school is now an office, and my bed is now in my sister's room. She likes the guest room better though, so I'm staying in her old room now. I hurt my sister in the past, and it wasn't until the end of my senior year of high school that I started repairing the damage that had been done. Sleeping within these light blue walls now brings back all my regrets, and with that a heavy heart. But they are only walls, and not my chains -- they have no power over me.

When I walk back into my old room, I remember the many nights I would lie awake at night in high school. I could see the moon through the window from my bed, and I would look for God in the sky, begging Him to forgive me for always giving in to my sexual addiction. That room brings back those memories of frustration and failure. But its bright pink walls are only that -- walls. They are not my chains, and they have no power over me.

There are many good memories in this house. But, of course, there are bad memories too. And it's strange how coming home brings the bad to mind, overwhelming the good. My heart is heavy, and I feel like I am backtracking. All the progress I made during my time away from home -- the relationship with God I have founded, the friendships I have formed, the mindsets, emotions, and perspectives I have developed, and the character I have refined. My family is made of the people who know me best, who know where I have been, and they can best judge me.

The temptations are greater here. I am more prone to loneliness, to boredom, to fear, to sin, to addiction. Because while I call this place home, this place holds my past. And when I am home, I am more inclined to be who I was before. The walls of this house are watching me, trying to overpower me and bring me to down -- this state of claustrophobia, chains around my heart and mind, the devil prowling by my bedside, waiting to master me.

But my God is protecting me. And these are only walls. They are not my chains. They have no power over me. My God is greater than this house.

And the devil's a dirtbag.

marked wonderful & set apart

I never thought I was extraordinary. Weird, maybe, or a mistake. But not extraordinary.

I've done my best to blend in, to be ordinary -- if that's what everyone else was. I've never tried to be better than anyone, only to measure up. To be normal.

Now here's what gets me: God didn't make me normal. He didn't make you normal.

Dig a little with me and read Psalm 139:14. (And don't roll your eyes because you've read it so many times!)

"I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are your works, and my soul knows it very well." (NASB)

Let's explore those bolded words.
Fearfully. From the root word meaning:
- to stand in awe of
- to be held in awe
- to put in fear, reverence
- to tremble

--> The same God who is all-powerful and worthy of fear and reverence is the same God who created me, as intricate and complex as I am.

Wonderfully. From the root word meaning:
- set apart
- become distinguished
- admirable
- to be distinct
- marked out

--> I never realized the meaning of wonderfully. I just thought that meant I was wonderful, and still not understanding what that meant either. But here, wonderfully comes from the Hebrew word palah, which means "set apart." I knew God created us individuals and sees each of us as each unique being... but to be set apart? To be distinct from the rest? That makes us different. That makes us not normal. That makes us something else...

Your works:
- the labor of His hands
- product, result
- things made

--> In this context, I believe David is specifically referring to us as God's work, as the product of His labor.
Wonderful. Similar to "wonderfully," but more pertaining to:
- marvelous
- beautiful
- extraordinary

--> Since we, God's "works," are the object of this adjective, those descriptions apply to us! We are marvelous. We are beautiful. We are extraordinary.

Very well. One word in Hebrew, meaning:
- exceedingly
- much
- abundantly

--> This same word is used in Deuteronomy 6:5. When God commanded us to love Him with all our strength, He is essentially saying, "Love Me exceedingly. Love Me so much that your strength depends on it." I believe "very well" in Psalm 139:14 is within the same context. "May your soul know that I have created you beautiful and extraordinary, set apart -- and may your strength depend on that knowledge." Essentially, when we are feeling inadequate, weak, not good enough, may we be reminded that those feelings are lies, and God has indeed made us wonderful -- and let that strengthen us.

I wasn't created to be normal. You weren't created to be normal. We. Are. Not. Normal. No change in thought, behavior or appearance will make that sentence any less true. We are, in fact, extraordinary. And He has forever marked us wonderful!

enough.

Enough.

"Well, at least you've been asked out. I've never been asked out."

I am terribly insecure. All my life I was second choice. Second best. And if I wasn't, I wasn't picked at all. I used that to justify my desire to be chosen, to be liked for once, to be asked out. I thought that would make me feel better about myself. "If someone would just like me for who I am..." That would solve everything. That would be enough.

Then I got picked. I got asked out. And I felt treasured for once. I thought, "Finally, I am worth it." Feeling like I was "good enough" because I got asked out was only enough for so long. Then it just wasn't enough anymore.

"Well, at least you've had someone return feelings for you. You've actually been in a relationship. I've never had that."

Now I need someone to return those feelings. Then I will be satisfied. Then it will be enough.

Will anything ever be enough? We as girls (at least, among my friends) have a habit of saying to each other: "At least you had someone ask you out..." "Yeah, but you had a quality guy really like you..." "But you at least had a 'friendlationship...'" "Well, you got closure. I didn't..." "At least you've actually been in a relationship..." "You don't understand. You've had four guys fall for you in the past month! How can you possibly not be satisfied?"

And so it goes on. But hurt is not relative. Desires are not relative. And we are thirsty creatures, always wanting more and never satisfied. That lack of satisfaction brings out the worst in us -- it resurfaces old wounds and creates new ones. Comparing ourselves to others does nothing more but bring us to our knees in a cry for pity, begging for our feelings to be justified.

When will we cry out, "I've had ENOUGH!" ??

Dear God, satisfy us with your unfailing love. We will never feel good enough by the things that are never good enough for us. But we don't have to be "good enough" for You; You love us regardless. You love us not in spite of who we are, but because of who we are. And You are enough for us. So can you fill us up, Living Water? We are tired of running dry.

"Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst." (John 4:13-14a)

the fingers of fear

Hurt is not relative. Pain has no comparison. There is no small brokenness, no "no big deal" suffering. The things that haunt you matter.

One discouraging word is enough to break the spirit -- it prepares the way for fear to plant itself in your soul. Fear grows and extends its long, bony fingers into the most delicate of places, the most vulnerable of emotions and experiences, and it takes hold, planting itself again and again until its down to the tiniest of roots, affecting the simplest of your thoughts and behaviors. Then you know: fear is anchored in your life.

And because it is so deeply rooted, it may take a lifetime to dig down deep enough to find its source. Where did it all begin? How did I become this way? Why do I have such an irrational fear of x? You name it.

I believe fear is what started it all. Having been secure in the presence of her Creator, Eve allowed Satan to plant fear in her heart: "What if God is holding out on me? What if He really isn't so good after all? Can I trust He is who He says He is? Can I trust that He really wants the best for me? So why wouldn't He want me to be like Him? Why wouldn't He want me to be wise? How can something that looks so good, tastes so good and can give me something so good be wrong? Why wouldn't He want me to have this fruit? What does He know that He isn't telling me?"

Suddenly, Eve isn't so secure anymore. Suddenly there is fear that her Creator isn't looking out for her. And let me tell you from experience: the moment you begin to doubt the presence of a good God watching over you, the fear is intense. And it is this fear, I believe, that is at the root of every fear.

At the heart of every fear and temptation, Satan uses this same tactic over and over again. He used it with Eve, and he used it with Jesus. "Did God really say...?" (Eve) "If you're really God..." (Jesus)

Both situations have their differences, but Satan is essentially saying the same thing to both of them:
Prove it. 
Test God. 
Do things your own way. 
Try it out. 
Tell me God's who He really says He is. 
How do you even know? 
You don't.

It's discouraging. Because Eve (and Adam) listened to Satan, all of mankind fell. But because of Jesus, all of mankind can be redeemed. Jesus overcame Satan's tactics of fear. Jesus overcame that temptation. I believe that in Gethsemane, Jesus experienced fear. He was afraid of the pain He knew He had to endure for us. But you know what the difference is between both Eve's and Jesus' experience with fear? Eve allowed it to take root in her heart; Jesus cast it out.

"Perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18)

So if fear is where it all begins, where does it end? More fear, more pain, more hurt, loneliness, death... if you never uproot fear.

But if you allow God to rip your heart open, exposing and searching out the deepest wounds you have -- even the ones you have suppressed for so long -- you can find healing. Your end is love.

It's not going to be easy. Exposing the insides never is. Forcing yourself to dig deep inside of yourself, shifting through your darkest memories and broken relationships... it's never easy. But I dare you to not settle for "easy."

Decide today to not give fear another day to settle deeper in your life.

dear heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you?

"The heart is deceitful above all things."

It's scary what your heart can convince you of. Right now I am at a place where I am terrified of my heart, and all I want to do is reach into my chest, pull it out and spank it. That puts a ridiculous image in my mind.

This is obviously public, so I'm not going to go into detail or name anyone, etc., but I want to write about it because I think it can make for a decent lesson. After about a year, I finally sought closure yesterday to the feelings I've had for this one guy. It was the first time I had ever confronted someone and poured out my heart like that, but I felt like it needed to be done. And this is why:

I knew we weren't right for each other. Almost the whole year that I liked him, I knew it. God never gave me any reason to believe it was right, and whenever I entertained the thought of him and me together, I didn't feel at peace about it. This guy never lead me on, he was just a good friend to me. But I foolishly chased him, something I also knew was not right. I felt like a fool, like I was in third grade all over again. I convinced myself he had feelings for me, even though there were moments where it was blatantly obvious he did not.

One event after another showed me he did not return my feelings. But in between those moments, there were smaller moments that made me think, "Just maybe..." My heart kept pulling me in, and I kept falling for its games.

Though I would verbally surrender it to God, and in my heart at times too, I kept taking it back and justifying my actions. "I'm not doing anything wrong; I'm just trying to be a good friend."

A mutual friend of mine and his would tell me there's nothing there, that I need to move on. But I kept thinking, "Well, maybe he's not telling his friend everything..."

Some things happened this past weekend that led me to a place where my mind and heart were wrestling. My mind got the picture; it understood it needed to move on. But my heart was not getting it, and I didn't know how to make it stop feeling what it was feeling. How do you tell your heart to stop hoping? How do you make your heart say no, make it feel what you know?

Monday morning I decided I was fed up with hearing it through my friend and through my own observations -- I wanted to know from the guy himself so my heart could no longer make excuses or play games with me.

The conversation went well. He was very gracious, and he responded the way I had hoped he would: he doesn't return the feelings, and I can move on. Details don't matter. What matters is now I have this mess of a heart to figure out.

Looking back over the past year, it's scary to think of all the time I wasted chasing someone I knew I shouldn't be chasing, chasing in the first place. God is gracious, and He used some of those experiences for good and in the building of my own character in some aspects. So I know I can't dwell in regret.

But when I think of how far I can go, how far my heart can take me, it honestly scares me. The movies tell us to "Follow your heart," but please do anything but! Your heart can lead you down some dangerous roads; don't follow it.

So in retrospect, if you were my little sister, or my friend really (which I expect you are since you are reading this), I would tell you the following points I have learned and either started seeing the fruits of or want to start working on, in regards to taming the heart. I can't think well enough to gather my thoughts and organize them in some fashionable way, but here are a few points that come to mind:

1. If your feelings for someone are not right, redirect your thoughts. Whenever you start thinking of him, thinking ahead about dating, marriage, all the "What if..."'s, etc., don't just scold yourself for doing so; redirect it and thank God instead for the man He is preparing for you, and ask Him to give you patience. I would recommend reading "Changing Your Thought Patterns" by George Sanchez, which can be found in a little NavClassics book.

2. Emotionally save yourself for your future husband. Growing up, I was a purity geek (well, in theory -- obviously, my porn addiction made me anything but pure). I read all the purity books, made all the vows, set all the dating rules, physical boundaries, made lists of the qualities I wanted in my future husband, etc. And one of the things I knew I wanted to do was not only physically save myself for marriage, but also emotionally save myself (and obviously, I have failed in this area). That may sound overly prudent, but it will save you a lot of heartache in the end. This basically means not entertaining the thoughts mentioned in point 1, as well as the following:

- Don't frequently gush about the guy you like. This is going to be a hard habit for me to break. But it only encourages your thoughts and emotions. I know "gushing" is one of the favorite pasttimes of many women, but it's just not healthy. And if you are on the opposite end listening to someone else gushing about the guy she likes, be kind, but don't overly encourage her emotions. The whole, "That's so cute! You would be perfect together!" or "Tell me EVERYTHING he said!" puts thoughts and emotions into her mind that possibly shouldn't be there. I'm not saying you can't have fun and enjoy those butterflies you get when you have a crush, but know when to stop and redirect your thoughts. Don't lose control of your emotions.

- Don't tell the whole world. This is something I have a hard time not doing, especially because I am a very open, talkative person. But I truly believe that with each person you tell, you are ingraining those mental and behavioral patterns. It becomes more real to you, and your expectations start building (especially the more people encourage you as a result of you telling them). And the more people you tell about all the little interactions and conversations you have with him, the more you dwell on those things, and they become fixed in your heart, and your heart learns how to use those things to deceive you.

3. I believe the desire of every woman is to be pursued, not to pursue -- for some women, that desire has become so distorted, but I believe that God put that desire in us. It is how we as women identify with the "feminine" side of God -- He longs to be pursued by us, to be desired and to be loved. Why should we deny one of the desires that gives us the privilege of identifying with our Creator? Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge is a good read on this topic. I also recommend reading Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones. And read this blog post about not pursuing men but letting them pursue you: http://www.truewoman.com/?id=1639.

4. Remember Song of Solomon 2:7 -- "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Wait patiently on the Lord.


Those points don't say much. They're good pieces of head knowledge, but what about this heart? And how do we make our hearts believe all of that and actually feel all of it? We start with prayer, and we start with acting on it.

I chose to act on talking to the guy I liked about my feelings because I knew my heart just wasn't getting it, and I needed a head start to learning how to tame it -- and that head start was getting rid of the opportunities and excuses it could make to continue playing with the emotions it already had possession of.

And now I start over. Clearing out that room in my heart -- packing emotions into boxes and storing them in another room, for the right time to be opened again; burning pictures; sweeping the dust out the door (I hope you know this is all metaphorical). It hurts. I feel naked, exposed, my insides laid bare. But the Lord heals, and He is patient with my still-wandering heart.

You know what's crazy? As quoted earlier, Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Sounds hopeless. But skip ahead to 1 John 3:20 -- "If our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts and knows everything."

It's going to take time, and it will be awkward for a while -- what process of healing isn't? -- but God is gracious. And He is great.


Dear Heart, do you belong to me, or do I belong to you?
Just look at all the trouble you drag me into.
I've heard it said to follow your heart,
but I'm starting to wonder if it's gone too far.

Oh Heart, you've let me down,
chasing love where it can't be found.
Heart, we've fallen out,
'cause all of your emotions have led me to doubt.
Tell me, who's going to save us now?
Only Jesus can save us now.

-- Sanctus Real

there are angels and demons waging war in my room

Something amazing is about to happen. I know this because Satan is visibly attacking, and as a result, the three young women he is attacking right now (including myself) are only clinging to each other more and to God. We are not backing down.

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,

'God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.'

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 5:5-11)

Satan doesn't like it when sin is exposed, when it is brought out into the light. He doesn't like it when those whom God has made holy through the blood of Christ begin to realize they are indeed free. He doesn't like it when these free men and women begin to join forces and come together in fellowship. He doesn't like it when they start down the road to healing.

Scratch that. He hates all those things.

But you know what's cool? God hates Satan. As my friend Joy put it, God absolutely detests the fact that Satan is after us, that he's trying to destroy us.

We may find ourselves feeling especially weak right now, and it may be painful and scary. We are under attack. But we have a God who is so fiercely in love with us and is willing to lay His life down to protect us.

Satan may be running toward us, hurling his spears at us, but our God is running out to meet him, His eyes ablaze -- and I already know who's going to win.


"If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)

Read all of Psalm 91. Breathe it in.

the broken road to and from pornography

I'm going to let you in on a secret: I'm broken. It's actually not a secret at all, for all of us really. But we like to pretend it is, and then the walls come up.

I'm good at being vulnerable. I can control how much I share with you, how much I let you in. Sometimes I take pride in this ability to be vulnerable and share with you what no one else would dare to share. (This is not a good thing, by the way).

But to admit to you that I am broken -- that is something different. I can't control my brokenness. To expose brokenness is to be raw and true. No walls, no curtains, no control over the extremity of my brokenness. I just am. 

(For more on brokenness vs. vulnerability, you should read this blog by Beggar's Daughter: http://purityafterpornography.wordpress.com/2011/10/11/brokenness-vs-vulnerability/)

I like to be in control. And when I am not, I am afraid. There are things inside of me that I cannot touch, things that I can only lay bare before God and ask Him to fix it, because I can't on my own.

There is this desire to look at pornography, to fill myself up in a way that I can control, in a way I know will comfort me, if only for a few minutes. Even if I know it will leave me even more broken the second it is gone.

Normally when I open the door to pornography and then decide to close it, it is because I can no longer find what I am looking for. I am not satisfied, but I have had my "fill" nonetheless, and it is time to move on.

Brokenness: This morning, I opened the door again. The morning after Jim Rinella spoke at NavNite about spiritual warfare and how we shouldn't open doors that should never be opened, or close doors we shouldn't have opened. Yet I opened the door, trying to justify the sin as I engaged in it.

After ten minutes or so, I closed the door. The difference with the closing of this door, however, was that I hadn't had my "fill" yet. There were more places to explore, doors that opened, one after the other. And I could have gone on for hours like I always had before. I will admit, the main reason I closed the door so quickly was because I had friends coming over in just fifteen minutes and I needed to get ready. But then I received a text from them saying they would be half an hour late. I looked back at my computer and thought, "I could just continue then."

But I heard God whisper to me:

"If you open that door, it will lead to another door, and then another. There will always be a world of pornography for you to explore, always a mixture of different keyword searches you could enter that will turn up new and exciting results, always 'related videos' that will lead you further into this world of sin. It's never going to be enough for you.

"Be convinced of this, Karla -- that desire is not going to leave you for a long time. Maybe it never will while you are still in this world. You might think you've figured it out and gotten rid of it, but you're only thinking you've simply had your 'fill' for the time being, and you anticipate that you will have to satisfy the desire again later down the road. In this case, the time being was your four months of 'freedom.' This week, it was six days.

"Child, at some point, you're just going to have to decide to put away with it and fight that desire, whether you have had your fill or not. At some point, you're going to have to acknowledge you have absolutely no control over this and surrender it to Me. Stop trying to fix yourself, and let Me do it.

"But let me tell you something: you're going to have to stop opening doors. You may not have control over what you desire right now, but you have control over what you do with those desires. I have promised you I will always provide a way out when you are tempted. Take the way out. Close the door. Let's do this together, by My strength.

"When I look at you, Karla, I don't see your sin. I see a pure and blameless child. You are free from accusation, and you are covered by My grace. But I can see the life that you are living, and it is a life under the bondage of pornography. It may not be as frequent as before, but that is only because you are suppressing it and refusing to get to the core of the issue.

"You are still allowing your desire for control, your desire for love, your desire for sexual pleasure to consume you, and though you are free from the eternal consequences of your sin, you are not free from its effects on your heart, on your soul, on your mind, on your relationships, on your view of yourself before Me, and on your view of Me.

"I want freedom for you. I gave Jesus for you so you could not only be free of sin's eternal consequences in separating you from Me, but to be free of sin itself because it is not of Me, and I am good. I made you for Me.

"So make the decision today to fight your sinful nature -- specifically your desire for pornography -- and walk by My Spirit instead. And I promise I will be with you. Because you love Me, I will fight for you. Take heart, my child, I have overcome the world."


Some paraphrases from 1 Corinthians 10:13, Psalm 91:14, and John 16:33.

trusting our Sun and Shield

I wrote this in my prayer journal on October 17, but I never got around to posting it in a blog until now:


Have you ever been afraid to enjoy something, love someone or want something so much for fear that God is going to take it away, or not give it to you? Our reasoning is often this: While we want to believe it's not in God's nature to take away what we want for the sake of it, we have experienced times where He will withhold what we want or what we have because it's become an idol for us or it's just not best for us.

I was just talking to my Bible study co-leader, Ashleigh, about this Friday night, discussing how sometimes we live in this fear, so that if there is anything we begin to love or enjoy, we force ourselves to become apathetic to it, because if we care too much, God is going to take it away from us.

Two days later, I read Psalm 84 in my quiet time. In verses 11-12, the psalmist says that God is our sun and shield -- one who gives life, and one who protects life. He "bestows" favor and honor upon us, and does not withhold good things from us, if we continue in faith and righteousness with Him.

That is His heart -- He takes great joy in blessing us and will not withhold that which is good for us; but in light of that, if something is not good for us, He may take it away. Or sometimes He will want to teach us a lesson by letting us keep it and having us see the consequences of it. His actions may not seem consistent to us, but they are consistent with His consistent nature -- a God of justice and mercy, wrath and love.

But how do we go about living in light of this? How do we find this balance?

"O LORD Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Trust.

into the light: what's in the dark leaves the dark

I'm giving you the gift of going second:

Satan loves it when we believe we are the only ones struggling with sin. When we feel isolated, uniquely perverted, ashamed. Alone.

As a girl struggling with pornography, I went through a huge part of my life believing I was the only one. "Pornography is a guy's thing." So why was I addicted to it? I felt uniquely perverted, and that is part of what kept me in it. I was afraid to step into the light -- to come clean -- because, apparently, I wasn't supposed to be dealing with it in the first place.

Feeling alone makes it easier for us to bury our faces in shame, turning to the very things that bring us that shame instead of rising up and turning to those who can help us -- and to God.

After a series of events, I found the website, freedombeginshere.com, the summer before my senior year of high school. It's an online community and resource for Christian men and women struggling with pornography. As I read testimonies of different people -- some who had just fallen into it, some who had been struggling for 20 years, some who had overcome -- I noticed only one thing: some testimonies were from women. After seven years of believing I was the only girl in the world that struggled with pornography, suddenly, I wasn't alone anymore.

God has recently given me the privilege of witnessing four girls step into the light, girls I never suspected dealt with it. (Well, most people never looked at me either and said to themselves, "Now that's a girl addicted to pornography.") And that's the hard part: we look so good on the outside, and we want to keep up that image. But I believe that one of God's purposes for the body of Christ is transparency, for the Church to be a safe place for saints and sinners to confess their sins to one another and build each other up.

So what is this nonsense of taboo subjects? Of subjects inappropriate for the Church? There is a time and place to be silent, and a time and place to speak. There are "appropriate" ways to step into the light. But tact aside, we are all human, and these sins are no secret to us. You really can never know -- the person sitting beside you in church could be struggling with the same thing as you, and both of you may be trying to fake it. What accountability could be formed if we only trusted and confessed our sins to one another!

I recently met with a freshman girl and we shared our testimonies with each other. After I shared mine, opening up about my struggle with pornography, she chose to step into the light -- she too struggles with the same sin, and up to that point had thought she was the only one. The only one. It is such a bothersome thought, and it breaks my heart because I remember when I used to feel that way.

Now, she's a freshman, just starting out in ministry; and I am a junior, a Bible study leader, discipler and part of the worship band. And we are both struggling with the same sin, and on the surface, it seems there is little I can do to help her since I am in the same boat. Should I feel like any less of a leader for being so transparent? I don't think so. We are all life-long learners, all living by God's grace each day. My being a leader and two years older doesn't change that. But sometimes we let those kinds of details keep us from stepping into the light.

Satan fills our heads with lies that we have to look like the perfect Christian, that the body of Christ will not accept us unless we do. And sadly, this is sometimes true. But what did Jesus do? He hung out with the sinners, with the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the thieves. Are we any better or any worse? No. Through the blood of Christ, the Father accepts us the way we are, and it is His Spirit in us transforming us. It takes time. But He gave us each other, the Body, this fellowship, to imitate Him in accepting one another for all our faults, all our shame and disease, and to encourage one another.

And how do we do this? By stepping into the light.

"The night is almost over, it will be daylight soon; let us give up the things we prefer to do under cover of the dark; let us arm ourselves and appear in the light." Romans 13:12

I have found that regularly talking about my pornography addiction in the context of "this is wrong"makes it harder for me to actually partake in the addiction on my own. Bringing this into the light makes it difficult for me to do it in the dark. It's not a secret anymore. God has drawn out the secrets of my past, these secret motives, these secret sins, these secret feelings, and He has given me people who know exactly where I've been, who have been there themselves, and who will not look down on me for it. I desire freedom from pornography, and He desires it more than I do! And He is making ways for this to happen, and He will continue to do so if I daily surrender to Him and lean on His strength and His grace.

My heart goes out to every young woman still in the dark (to every young man as well, but specifically the women because it is such a taboo thing for us). I desire that every woman struggling with any form of sexual addiction can find the accountability and freedom that I have found, the same accountability and freedom that God wants to give you too!

"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God." (John 3:19-21)

PS: What do I mean by "the gift of going second"?

"Whenever somebody confesses something, and they're the first to do it, it's usually a pretty hard step to take. They don't know how people will respond... But they do it anyway. They give a gift. What happens on the other side of that confession is something beautiful. When you confess, there's somebody on the other of that confession who could very well be keeping a secret too. So when you go first, you're opening up this amazing opportunity for trust... It can give people the courage to go second. When people go second, it's not an easy thing, but because you have already broken the silence... it makes it a little bit easier... It's the Gift of Going Second that starts waves of confession and healing." --Anne Jackson